I went to eat dinner with a close friend tonight. He was talking about my blog and suggested that I write about some of my many medical disasters. I told him I would. So, here goes.
I am a very clumsy kid with a very poor immune system. When I was little, I went to the hospital a lot. Here are my top three stories about being sick/injuring myself. I think you’ll find them amusing.
1. 5th grade was a bad year for me. I had a teacher who didn’t like me and (being a dorky little goober) that just wasn’t okay. In February of that year, I had had a kidney infection which had put me in the hospital for 3 days and pulled me out of school for over a week. Later, they told me it was probably toxic shock…yikes.
So, of course, the last thing I wanted was another hospital visit. In April, though, I was at my neighbor’s house and “tragedy struck.” We were getting out of her car to go inside when her little brother (who would have been 8 at the time) appeared out of nowhere with a water gun. He proceeded to chase us with it, into the back yard and around their above-ground pool. Now, I don’t know how many of you have seen an above ground pool when it’s been covered, but they use ropes and stake them to the ground to ensure that the cover doesn’t come of. Well, I wasn’t paying attention and I tripped over one of these ropes. I heard and felt a disgusting pop! and immediately felt a pain like nothing else shoot up my calf. I let out a scream just as my friend’s brother came running over, soaking me with the water gun.
“STOP!” I screamed, looking at my ankle, which was already beginning to swell. My friend came over and helped me up, but I almost collapsed again from the pain in my leg. “I think I sprained my ankle! Or broke it or something!”
About this time, her mom came outside. On seeing the grapefruit-sized lump that was appearing on my leg, she looped her arm under mind and began to help me to the car. I was already crying, but I was shocked to see my friend had begun to tear up as well. She looked at me, bottom lip quivering and said,
“Does this mean you can’t play today?”
Oh, to be young again.
2. When I was in 6th grade, I played softball and tennis at the same time. I had one of those little tennis ball on a rope things that attaches to your basketball goal. It’s basically this but for tennis. Anyway, I thought I was so clever and I didn’t need to buy a softball attachment for it, I would just hit the tennis ball with my softball bat. I did not take into account that a tennis ball is much smaller and springier than a softball. I hit at the ball with all my force. My bat became entangled in the rubbery rope and was then expelled backwards with an incredible force, right into my face.
That’s right. I hit myself in the face with a softball bat.
The woman in the ER said, “Honey, you’re just lucky you wasn’t choppin’ wood.” Sigh.
3. Summer before my junior year, it was 200 degrees every day in the south and that is only about an 86 degree exaggeration. I was enrolled in a dance camp and I also was a self-employed pressure spraying extraordinaire. This meant I was sweating a lot. As it turns out, I wasn’t drinking as much water as I should have been. I ended up with a stomach big due to dehydration. I didn’t actually need to go to the ER for this, but my regular doctor’s office couldn’t administer an IV, so I was forced to go to the hospital.
Have you ever needed an IV, but they wanted to take blood first? They use the same needle and stuff but they switch tubes? Well, this lovely nurse I had went to swap out the tubes after she had taken my blood but she forgot to turn the little switch which shuts off the flow between the needle and the tube. So, as she’s walking away to go get the bag of fluids, I’m lying in the hospital bed, watching my blood flow onto the floor.
“Uh, excuse me, ma’am? I think somethings wrong.” She walks over and I swear to goodness this is what she said.
“Oh, dear, look at the mess you’ve made!”
I have never been back to the hospital since.
Maybe someday I’ll share some other fun ER stories for your entertainment.
Until then, dear readers!