I Can’t Believe I’m Doing This Over Voicemail (Philosophy Midterm Post #1)



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Hey, so I know it’s 2:30 in the morning and I just saw you an hour ago and also that you’re already asleep but…I just have so many questions running through my head and I think I’ll go crazy if I don’t get them out…Questions like…

Well, to start off, “no man is an island unto himself,” so why is God an island? Sorry. That sounds stupid just saying it. But, seriously, I know that Anselm believed that by imagining God in all his omniscience that that was reason enough for his existence. I can’t help but think he’s wrong because I can imagine giants and unicorns and dragons and dementors and Lord Voldemort and Transformers…but that doesn’t mean Optimus Prime is about to come crashing onto the interstate this minute and crush me and my car to pieces. And if it did mean that, and if I was left mortally wounded on the side of the road, would you come find me and hold my hand and tell me, “Now is the time to repent and accept Christ. What have you got to lose?” 

Again, that’s not something I feel I can agree with. It seems so…offensive. Offensive to this all-powerful deity. If I were God, I’d be more than a bit upset if people were left and right swearing their allegiance to me just because they had realized they were not invincible and that the end was near. 

Furthermore, if God is all-powerful and all-knowing, why should I have to do all this work of accepting him into my heart? Why wasn’t I born knowing that that was the way? If this is the case, why was I born like this? Why did God make me an atheist? Why was I created not knowing?

Or, to look at it from an even wider angle, why did he put 4.7 billion people on this planet that don’t believe in him? That seems so horrible, to give those people their own lives and then condemn them from birth to an eternity in hell. It doesn’t make sense to me. 

Nothing really makes sense right now, except that I can’t believe I’m doing this…that I’m talking about this over voicemail. You know, there’s a church that believes that the concepts of heaven and hell are just that – concepts. They believe in what is called a “living heaven” and a “living hell.” Some days, I think growing up here, in the South, I think that’s my living hell. I honestly do…Everyone here pretends to be so godly and perfect and if they mess up, they just say “we are all sinners and God knows this and God forgives us.” They all fail to see the obvious paradoxes and loopholes in their own beliefs and it’s just…

I know you’ve been sleeping with her for the past two months.

No, shoot, I didn’t mean to say that…

But I do. It’s okay. Honestly, after the shock of finding a bunch of black, lacy panties in your apartment that I knew were not mine wore off, it was okay. The thing is, what makes me mad isn’t that you’re cheating on me. Life happens, we fall in and out of love, I get it. 

What makes me so angry is that you said to me, “I just love you so much and it breaks my heart to imagine that we’re going to have to spend eternity apart.” Because why? Because you’re a Christian who is screwing around with another girl but that’s okay because you can just repent and God will forgive you. But me… I’m the reason we’re spending eternity apart, right? Because I am an upright, hard-working person who has never in her life done anything to hurt anyone nearly as horribly as you have hurt me BUT (!) I am the one who is going to spend my afterlife in the fiery pits of hell simply because I couldn’t bring myself to believe in an all-powerful deity for whose existence there is no natural proof. 

I can’t believe I’m doing this over voicemail. I’m sorry. How cowardly of me. You just get to listen to my voice, unable to respond. How arrogant on my part. 

It’s not you, it’s me. 

I’m not ready for the commitment. 

We are two totally different people.

I’m not good enough for you; you deserve someone better.

Don’t bother calling, I’ll be okay.

*Dial Tone*




2 thoughts on “I Can’t Believe I’m Doing This Over Voicemail (Philosophy Midterm Post #1)

    • Haha no, no, like I said, it’s not really a true story. I have never broken up with anyone via voicemail. It is, however, based around something someone (a guy) once said to me concerning my fate after this life and the situation was equally ironic. I can explain it to you in person sometime!

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